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The Inbetween Place

I would love to be able to say that my job search is easier... but that would be a lie. This is so different from any other time I've had to look for a job. It's more competitive, and I just don't feel like I fit here.

I send out application after application... and nothing. No interviews, no phone calls. Just the form email that says, "You along with several other applications were all considered. Unfortunately, you were not selected."

I have had two interviews. One I wasn't excited about and one I was. And I am a countin'-chickens-before-they-hatch kind of girl... figuring out how to set up a room, planning lessons, imagining how I'll feel when I get "the call", how happy Nate will be...

And the two good things that came from those two interviews just doesn't feel like enough anymore. 
At the one I wasn't excited about, I received the nicest rejection email ever: "Just because you aren't a good fit for us, doesn't mean you aren't qualified. Your credentials are commendable and I wish you the best of luck." Whoa. Who does that? Huge boost (well, huge enough for the next two weeks).
At the one I was excited about (which I never heard from... again, who does that?), I really felt like God had heard me. That school had pretty much everything I could have wanted. That feels like a rarity here. I had felt like I was going to have to settle, compromise so much on my values, and here was a school that I had thought only existed in the midwest. 

I really, really want to have the faith to say that that's enough. But I'm a person. And right now, things feel hard, frustrating, and pointless. I'm burnt out, overwhelmed, exhausted, and stressed. I feel guilty for feeling this, like I'm doubting God because it's hard (and... I sort of am).

Enter The Circle Maker by Mark Batterson. I'm learning for probably the 501st time that God's time isn't my time. I'm truly believing that God hears me. He has called me to this profession, I know that. He will lead me to a classroom, I know that. I'm remembering how to pray like I believe it, not pray because I feel like if I'm just desperate enough I can somehow manipulate God.

Not easier, not any more fun... but I'm hanging in there. This song also perfectly says everything I'm feeling. Check it out if you're feeling it, too.


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