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Getting In My Own Way

Moving to Boston was probably the scariest and hardest thing I've done. It took me a long time to wrestle through what was happening in my heart and be able to step into this place where God has me (for now). Some of what I had to wrestle through here came up right before  we left. I realized that because I had known Indianapolis wasn't where we would settle down, I had unintentionally disengaged myself before I had even left. Yeah, I had friends... but only surface level. I didn't have a deep, accountable, bonded friendship. So when we came here and the only relationship I had was Nate, our marriage took a hit. I had no one to lean on here (except him, and there were things I wouldn't say; my lack of honesty was hard on both of us), and no one who missed me there to check in and stay connected.

Three years later I realize this is a pattern. I am BAD at intentionally connecting with people in a deep way. I wait for people to reach out to me and that is selfish and they just WON'T. I don't maintain contact with some of my dearest friends and then it feels like my whole foundation of stability has disappeared. As a social introvert there are all kinds of excuses I could make for why this is... but the truth is that my fear of not being accepted keeps me from connecting. So then I bring about the rejection and isolation I feared in the first place.

I have so many ideas for how I can make a clean start and work to mend some of the breaks I've made. But I have to actually DO them, and that's the hard part.

Could you pray for me? That God would step in and make up for my failings... that I would respond to the push to connect with new people and old, dear friends... that it wouldn't be too late, and that I could have the friendship I need.

Being vulnerable isn't easy, but my reward will be great.

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